Thank God the Parents Weren’t Anal Cunt Fans

I named my first (and so far only) daughter Nico. Yes, it’s an almost predictable move for a music critic (and I always say it’s more a cautionary lesson than tribute, given how The Velvet Underground chanteuse lived and died). But it could have been worse, apparently. I could have named her Metal Machine Music. Or, worse still, Metallica.

While I’ve yet to come across a Metal Machine Music in any baby registries (Transformer was my best friend in high school, but that may have been a nickname), there is a real, honest-to-goodness baby named “Metallica” living in the world right now. And you thought Ricky Bobby naming his kids “Walker” and “Texas Ranger” in Talladega Nights was preposterous!

A Swedish couple threw the baby-name books away and burdened their now 7-month-old daughter (funny, I always thought of Metallica as a boy’s name) with the handle. Not a nickname, but a real, on-the-birth-certificate name. Authorities in Sweden, according to Swedish newspaper The Local, tried to save the kid from a life of ridicule. The Swedish Tax Board ruled that Metallica was not an “appropriate” name (which held up procedures like getting the child a passport), but the family fought it in court and won. The Tax Board appealed, but yesterday they dropped it, meaning li’l Metallica Tomaro keeps her moniker.

Unfortunately (for my partner, anyway), this has given me ideas. For my next child, if it’s a boy, Grand Funk Railroad (“Grand Funk Railroad, you get in this house right now!” has a great ring to it). If it’s a girl, Starland Vocal Band.

(photo: Spencers Online)

— Mike Breen

Explore posts in the same categories: Arts & Music

3 Comments on “Thank God the Parents Weren’t Anal Cunt Fans”

  1. FOXYROXY Says:

    and don’t forget if it’s twins–the bay city rollers! roller1, and roller2!

  2. Every Cincinnatian Says:

    Uncle Daddy and the Family Secret Smith… catchy.

  3. Sinead Says:

    Nico is suprisingly a nice name… It almost sounds like nichol…

    Watched “The Secret”? Learn how I used it…

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