Pickin’ on the Grammys

Every year I watch the Grammys. And every year, when it’s over and I’ve turned the channel away from it a million times, I wonder why I waste my time. I’m the same way with Saturday Night Live – I’m always excited when I’m home and can see it, but when it’s over I’m always left wondering how something so uneven can still even be allowed to be on TV.

But I’m watching again this year. Like Bush says, “Fool me once, shame on … me, fool me … you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Since I’ll have the tube on, I figured I’d make it more fun for myself and predict some winners this year. So take note and call your bookie. Or just do a shot every time I’m wrong. You’ll probably be very drunk by the end of the night.

Please note that I haven’t heard every record made in 2006 – to be honest, more than a few times I have seen a Billboard Top 10 list and not recognized over half the names. But, trust me: All of the members of “the Academy” who vote for these things haven’t heard all of the music either.

49th Annual Grammy Awards Predictions

The Police Reunion:
They will play a medley of “Roxanne,” “Message in a Bottle” and “Every Breath You Take,” then Sting will announce their upcoming reunion tour as he’s burning $100 bills.

Record of the Year:
Will win: Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”
Should win: Gnarls
’Nuff said. The “Hey Ya” of last year. It’s so nice when mainstream acceptance is given to something worthy for once. Of course, the overplaying of the song did its best to kill it. But “Crazy” is irrepressible.

Album of the Year:
Will win: The Dixie Chicks’ Taking the Long Way
Should win: Gnarls Barkley’s St. Elsewhere
Really should win: Bob Dylan’s Modern Times not getting nominated is almost as embarrassing as the Jethro Tull Metal Grammy fiasco.
Country music fans may have turned their back on the Chicks, but those damn liberal music industry types have graciously taken them in as their own. This should be a “statement” win.

Song of the Year:
Will win: Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice”
Should win: Mary J. Blige’s “Be Without You”
See above. These nominees are so spread out musically, chances are many voters will only be familiar with a couple. Many will see the Dixie Chicks and put a check by their name without even thinking.

Best New Artist:
Will win: Carrie Underwood
Should win: Imogen Heap
Most years, this category can be whittled down to two artists who even have a chance of winning. Anyone could take it this year, though Chris Brown and Imogen are probably long shots.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:
Will win: “Ain’t No Other Man” by Christina Aguilera
Should win: Xtina!
Miss Dirty should have been up for the Song and Record trophies.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal:
Will win: The Fray’s “Over My Head”
Should win: Keane’s “Is It Any Wonder?”
Death Cab For Cutie could pull an upset here. All I know is if “My Humps” wins I’m moving out of the country.

Best Dance Recording:
Will win: Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”
Should win: Goldfrapp’s “Ooh La La”
An instantly recognizable hit from a chart-topper has the best shot in a category most voters probably don’t “get.”

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance:
Will win: Bob Dylan’s “Someday Baby”
Should win: Dylan
Since he was overlooked in the Album category, this is what they call in basketball a “make-up call.”

Best Hard Rock Performance
Will win: Nine Inch Nails’ “Every Day Is Exactly the Same”
Should win: Tool’s “Vicarious”
Nine Inch Nails is Hard Rock? At least Nickelback wasn’t nominated.

Best Metal Performance
Will win: Slayer’s “Eyes of the Insane”
Should win: Mastodon’s “Colony of Birchmen”
“Metal? Slayer? Yeah, they’re Metal.” That will be the thinking of 75 percent of the voters.

Best Rock Song
Will win: Chili Peppers’ “Dani California”
Should win: The Killers’ “When You Were Young”
Now that the Peppers play by the industry’s rules, they should be a safe lock for more of these awards. If they’re around in 10 years, they could be the Grammys’ new Phil Collins.

Best Rock Album:
Will win: Chili Peppers’ Stadium Arcadium
Should win: The Raconteurs’ Broken Boy Soldiers
See above.

Best Alternative Music Album:
Will win: Gnarls Barkley’s St. Elsewhere
Should win: Arctic Monkeys’ Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not
How can Gnarls Barkley be in the “Alternative” category, too?

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance:
Will win: Luther Vandross’ “Got You Home”
Should win: John Legend’s “Heaven”
Dead legend trumps everyone.

Best Urban/Alternative Performance
Will win: OutKast’s “Idlewild Blue”
Should win: OutKast!
I don’t know what this category means, and the list of nominees (Prince? Sergio Mendes?) doesn’t help.

Best R&B Song:
Will win: Mary J. Blige’s “Be Without You”
Should win: India.Arie’s “I Am Not My Hair”
I too am not my hair! Mary J.’s a lock, since she won’t win Song of the Year.

Best R&B Album:
Will win: Jamie Foxx’s Unpredictable
Should win: Mary J. Blige’s The Breakthrough
Hey, if the Oscars like him …

Best Rap Song
Will win: T.I.’s “What You Know”
Should win: Lupe Fiasco’s “Kick, Push”
Lupe’s track is one of the best singles of the year. The others? Eh.

Best Rap Album:
Will win: T.I.’s King
Should win: The Roots’ Game Theory
The Roots should win any “Rap” category they are in. Please tell me how Pharrell’s atrocious In My Mind made this list? Best Rap? More like Best C-rap! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Best Country Song:
Will win: Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel”
Should win: Yeah, that American Idol chick sounds good to me.
Carrie should win just because she has the best song title. Remember when Country songs had great song titles? Besides, I loved her candy bar commercials!

Best Country Album:
Will win: Alan Jackson’s Like Red On A Rose
Should win: Dixie Chicks
It’d be ballsy to give it to the Chicks. And when have the Grammys ever been ballsy? The Academy would lose all credibility with the Country crowd if those Bush-haters won Best Country anything.

Best Jazz Instrumental Album, Individual or Group:
Will win: Chick Corea’s The Ultimate Adventure
Should win: Ornette Coleman’s Sound Grammar
Ornette’s a king and he is still making vital music. Hey, they should award people for doing things like that!

Best Contemporary Blues Album:
Will win: Dr. John and the Lower 911’s Sippiana Hericane
Should win: Keb Mo’s Suitcase
New Orleans? Hurricane? Devastating floods? Aww, just give it to Mr. N’awlins.

Best Traditional Folk Album:
Will win: Bruce Springsteen’s We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions
Should win: Ramblin’ Jack Elliott’s I Stand Alone
The Boss is playing Traditional Folk, but Jack is Traditional Folk. And Jack’s album’s pretty amazing too.

Best Musical Album For Children
Will win: John Lithgow’s The Sunny Side of the Street
Should win: Dan Zanes’ Catch That Train!
Trust me on the Dan Zanes thing, parents.

Best Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books & Story Telling)
Will win: Jimmy Carter’s Our Endangered Values: America’s Moral Crisis
Should win: Bill Maher’s New Rules: Polite Musings From A Timid Observer
There is a clear liberal bias in this category. Al Franken! Jimmy Carter! Bill Maher! Maher’s the funniest, but Carter was president. Tough one.

Best Comedy Album:
Will win: Weird Al’s Straight Outta Lynwood
Should win: Lewis Black’s The Carnegie Hall Performance
Give Al a Lifetime Achievement Award!

Best Song Written For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media:
Will win: James Taylor’s “Our Town” (from Cars)
Should win: Dolly Parton’s “Travelin’ Thru” (from Transamerica)
OK, I’ve actually heard only the Dolly song, so I’m not sure on this one. But James Taylor’s song was written by Randy Newman. The Grammys would give Randy Newman an award for a song written for a local used-car dealership commercial if they could.

Best Short Form Music Video:
Will win: Chili Peppers’ “Dani California”
Should win: OK GO “Here It Goes Again”
I just want to see the looks on all those people who spent a million dollars to make a video, while OK GO spent about $50 for their little treadmill-dance thing.

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical
Will win: Rick Rubin
Should win: Rick Rubin
Rubin worked with Dixie Chicks, Chili Peppers, Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond. That’s impressive. Still, it’s be cool to see Danger Mouse accept a statue in his giant rodent costume.

Best Polka Album:
Will win: Jimmy Sturr And His Orchestra’s Polka in Paradise
Should win: Eddie Blazonczyk’s Versatones’ Batteries Not Included
Well, here it is — the big category. Sturr is a critics’ darling and has male-model good looks, but I’d give it to Blazonczyk for the accordion work alone! Go, Eddie, go!

— Mike Breen

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2 Comments on “Pickin’ on the Grammys”

  1. KittyBlue Says:

    If OK Go don’t win the best video award I will be sorely disappointed. Still, you’re probably right and I’m just overly optimistic or naiive.

    Little Miss Sunshine for an oscar!!!

  2. Kenny Says:

    OK GO won!


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