Spurzz Pull Off Protest, Avoid Arrest, Still Suck
“You are all Communists!” At noon today, these were the words we heard as we were busy typing away, working on next week’s fabulous edition of CityBeat.
The epithet came through a bullhorn from the mouth of Soft J, lead “singer” for local “Country” “band” The Spurzz, a bible-thumping, blindly patriotic trio who came out to protest their exclusion from the Cincinnati Entertainment Awards this year (they think they should be nominated for the “Best Country” award; we think they suck).
The band rolled up in a dingy ol’ pick-up truck with their musical equipment and PA stacked in the back to “entertain” a meager lunchtime crowd of supporters. After being subjected to about 40 minutes of The Spurzz’s unlistenable caterwauling (40 minutes I really wish I could have back), all I can say is I’ve seen the future of Country music … but it most certainly is not The Spurzz. Not only will they not be added to the CEA ballot this year, but, thanks to this disruptive stunt, they are now officially blacklisted from all future CEAs. Unless, as I told Mr. J after his performance, we add a category for “Best Crap.”
Not only did The Spurzz illegally use CityBeat‘s electricity to power their amps, running an extension cord into our lobby (they will be getting a bill from us), the musical terrorists also hurled numerous slanderous statements at us, repeatedly calling us “devils” and “commies.” Our lawyers are looking into the situation.
About 30 of the band’s backers — lowlifes whose apparent unemployment meant they could waste their time holding signs reading “Go Back to France, Hippies,” “Spurzz = Freedom” and “God (Hearts) Spurzz” — gathered around the truck to listen and show their support. Over the PA as they set up, the band high-fived each other as they blared “Let the Eagle Soar” by former Attorney General John Ashcroft.
We didn’t just sit back and take it. Our fearless leader, John Fox, made a sign that said “Spurzz Suckzz: Go Home and Marry Your Sister” (J admited he would marry his sister if she was “kind enough”), while our other fearless leader, Dan Bockrath, reconfigured some CityBeat bumper stickers to read: “CityBeat: Stickin’ It to the Spurzz Since 2006.” Soft J saw the sign and announced, “Looks like CityBeat still doesn’t want to play nice with us. They’re tryin’ to protest the protestees.” A handful of employees — as well as some unsuspecting passers-by — stood and watched for a little while, until the music became unbearable (which didn’t take long).
A few police officers moved in eventually, apparently responding to a noise complaint — who can blame ’em? J explained told the officers that they were protesting because they were “the best band in the universe” (something he repeated ad nauseum). But, undoubtedly, The Spurzz’ pro-America schtick got them off the hook, as the cops told them they could play until 1 p.m.! If they were a Hip Hop act, I bet they would have shut ’em down.
Investigative journalist that I am, there was one very interesting thing I unearthed: The apparent “tall boy” the band members were sipping from (wrapped in the requisite “tall boy” paper bag) wasn’t Bud or Pabst but Arizona Green Tea! See what your fan base thinks about that, you phony wussies. Hope your NASCAR buddies don’t hear about this, or your NRA cards might be revoked!
Our multimedia team was on hand to document the whole debacle. You can take a look and listen to video, audio and photos here. Warning: The music SUCKZZ. Also included is my exclusive interview with Soft J, where I put him on the spot about the covert homoerotic nature of their songs and imagery (including pink rockets and a peculiar fetish for Chuck Norris’ crotch).
Now what would the Statler Brothers think about that?
— Mike Breen