Spurzz Pull Off Protest, Avoid Arrest, Still Suck

“You are all Communists!” At noon today, these were the words we heard as we were busy typing away, working on next week’s fabulous edition of CityBeat.

The epithet came through a bullhorn from the mouth of Soft J, lead “singer” for local “Country” “band” The Spurzz, a bible-thumping, blindly patriotic trio who came out to protest their exclusion from the Cincinnati Entertainment Awards this year (they think they should be nominated for the “Best Country” award; we think they suck).

The band rolled up in a dingy ol’ pick-up truck with their musical equipment and PA stacked in the back to “entertain” a meager lunchtime crowd of supporters. After being subjected to about 40 minutes of The Spurzz’s unlistenable caterwauling (40 minutes I really wish I could have back), all I can say is I’ve seen the future of Country music … but it most certainly is not The Spurzz. Not only will they not be added to the CEA ballot this year, but, thanks to this disruptive stunt, they are now officially blacklisted from all future CEAs. Unless, as I told Mr. J after his performance, we add a category for “Best Crap.”

Not only did The Spurzz illegally use CityBeat‘s electricity to power their amps, running an extension cord into our lobby (they will be getting a bill from us), the musical terrorists also hurled numerous slanderous statements at us, repeatedly calling us “devils” and “commies.” Our lawyers are looking into the situation.

About 30 of the band’s backers — lowlifes whose apparent unemployment meant they could waste their time holding signs reading “Go Back to France, Hippies,” “Spurzz = Freedom” and “God (Hearts) Spurzz” — gathered around the truck to listen and show their support. Over the PA as they set up, the band high-fived each other as they blared “Let the Eagle Soar” by former Attorney General John Ashcroft.

We didn’t just sit back and take it. Our fearless leader, John Fox, made a sign that said “Spurzz Suckzz: Go Home and Marry Your Sister” (J admited he would marry his sister if she was “kind enough”), while our other fearless leader, Dan Bockrath, reconfigured some CityBeat bumper stickers to read: “CityBeat: Stickin’ It to the Spurzz Since 2006.” Soft J saw the sign and announced, “Looks like CityBeat still doesn’t want to play nice with us. They’re tryin’ to protest the protestees.” A handful of employees — as well as some unsuspecting passers-by — stood and watched for a little while, until the music became unbearable (which didn’t take long).

A few police officers moved in eventually, apparently responding to a noise complaint — who can blame ’em? J explained told the officers that they were protesting because they were “the best band in the universe” (something he repeated ad nauseum). But, undoubtedly, The Spurzz’ pro-America schtick got them off the hook, as the cops told them they could play until 1 p.m.! If they were a Hip Hop act, I bet they would have shut ’em down.

Investigative journalist that I am, there was one very interesting thing I unearthed: The apparent “tall boy” the band members were sipping from (wrapped in the requisite “tall boy” paper bag) wasn’t Bud or Pabst but Arizona Green Tea! See what your fan base thinks about that, you phony wussies. Hope your NASCAR buddies don’t hear about this, or your NRA cards might be revoked!

Our multimedia team was on hand to document the whole debacle. You can take a look and listen to video, audio and photos here. Warning: The music SUCKZZ. Also included is my exclusive interview with Soft J, where I put him on the spot about the covert homoerotic nature of their songs and imagery (including pink rockets and a peculiar fetish for Chuck Norris’ crotch).

Now what would the Statler Brothers think about that?

— Mike Breen

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13 Comments on “Spurzz Pull Off Protest, Avoid Arrest, Still Suck”

  1. Brandon Pajamas Says:

    There was Vodka in that Tea, you Hippie.

  2. Cletus Says:

    Mike Breen is a communist. Spurzz freedom! USA! USA! USA!

  3. FOXYROXY Says:

    you got a ‘pants gift’ comin’, Breen. that’s all i’ma say….

  4. zippy Says:

    musical terrorists!!!!

  5. SOFT J Says:

    THERE WAS A VICTORY TODAY…IT WAS FREEDOM, IT WAS THE TRUTH, IT ENDED IN AN .UCK, AND IT WAS THE SPURZZ.

    THESE COLORS DON’T BLEED.

  6. Jimmy Says:

    Vodka and green tea? Sounds like a liberal elitist brew if I’ve ever heard one.

  7. SOFT J Says:

    TEA WAS INVENTED INVENTED IN NORTHERN KY., AND VODKA WAS INVENTED AT BARTONS, KY., SOMETHING IN COMMON? YES, I BELIEVE ITS A GREAT THING TO TAKE TWO BEAUTIFUL KENTUCKY TREATS, AND COMBINE THEM INTO ONE AMAZING BENEFIT. WE DID HAVE TO CONTAIN RANDLE TRAVISITY AFTER THE COPS GOT AHOLD OF HIM…TEA AND VODKA MAKE A MAN GET THE CRAZY EYES…STILL AMERICA IS PROUD.

  8. Vixen Says:

    Wow… your knowledge of liquor history is astounding. Too bad you don’t know that much about how to make good music.

  9. Griff Says:

    Borat Would be Proud, or rather: Pride much me got now!

  10. Jim Says:

    Rumor has it that they were inspired by Nikki’s stunt on the square. See what happens when we don’t clamp down, America? This is sarcasm.

  11. The King Says:

    We must silence bible-thumping patriots! (And any television series that suggests Clinton did nothing about terrorism for eight years).

    We are liberals, we are tolerant of all opinions we agree with.

  12. Jimmy Says:

    That multimedia stuff is really cool! Citybeat should do that more.

  13. Cale Says:

    When are you butt-touchers opening for Ray Stevens? They call him the streak, you know.. From what i understand, he’s got cases of green tea on his rider.. just a thought.


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