Spurzz Spurned

On Nov. 19 at the Taft Theatre, CityBeat is presenting the Cincinnati Entertainment Awards for its tenth year blow-out. Many people love the event, a fun backslap for local musicians and a fun party to boot. But there are always naysayers — some with justifiable or fair-enough opinions, some sour-grapers — who dismiss the event/concept for any number of reasons (award shows suck; playing music is not a “contest”; the same people get nominated every year; so-and-so didn’t get nominated; so-and-so isn’t “Folk,” they’re “Punk”; where’s the Polka category?). Usually, people just whisper their grievances behind the scenes or post nasty notes on message boards and blogs. This year, for the first time ever, the Cincinnati Entertainment Awards finally get some criticism with balls — via an honest-to-goodness, picket-signs-and-sloganeering PROTEST! The instigators are a “Country” trio called The Spurzz — self-professed “best darn country freakin’ band in the world.” They’re mad as hell that they’re not nominated for the Country CEA, and, apparently, they’re not going to take it anymore.

Well, they’re going to take it (’cause, frankly, they have no choice), but not before jumping up and down like 3-year-olds being denied a post-dinner cookie. Tomorrow (Wednesday) at noon, the group is planning a “musical protest” in front of CityBeat world headquarters (811 Race St., downtown). Rumor has it they’ll be performing on the back of a pick-up truck in front of the building. Stop by on your lunch break (and bring along those rotten tomatoes to throw at the band or our building, depending on which side of the debate you fall on). We’ve already informed the riot-control police unit, who said they won’t hesitate to use full force (fire hoses, rubber bullets, snarky insults about the band’s Wranglers-and-Stetson-knock-offs fashion sense) if necessary.

As evidenced at a recent show at the Southgate House’s Junie’s Lounge, The Spurzz are to Country music what George Bush is to presidentin’ – fumbling, misguided and blindly patriotic, they make Toby Keith seem like a commie pinko. The group features bassist/guitarist Dusty Knees, keyboardist Panhandle Slim and singer Soft J, whose voice sounds like a three-car-pile-up involving Kenny Rogers, Michael McDonald and that dude from Readymaid. On their unimaginatively-titled long-player Full Length, the group stumbles through 13 tracks of chalk-on-the-blackboard noise (this stuff is “Country” like Shananay Twain is Country), with song titles like “Chuck Norris Action Crotch Jeans,” “Log Cabin, Log Rider” and “Take Ten Things, And Put Them In Here.” To be fair, The Spurzz did indeed get a couple of mentions from the CEA nominating committee, but, as the head of that committee, I just assumed that those judges were back smoking crack rock. Therefore, I discounted the votes and called CityBeat’s staff substance abuse specialist to arrange immediate interventions.

At that recent Southgate House show, the Spurzz unveiled their anti-CityBeat manifesto, as Soft J clumsily read the letter he sent us on stage in front of a video screen emblazoned with a burning American flag and the words “DAMN THE CINCINNATI CITYBEAT,” rallying his supporters and ending his rant with the words “Don’t come if you don’t like freedom.” Here is the letter:

“Dear Cincinnati CityBeat,

We, The Spurzz, would like to express our disgust with this year’s list of nominees in the CEA category of ‘Best Country Band.’ Either there was some sort of error, or you and the rest of the committee have a complete lack of taste and musical understanding. The Spurzz, as we are the best darn country freakin’ band in the world, for some reason do not appear on the list of nominees.

We request that a special edition of CityBeat be printed to correct this error — although the damage to the voting public may already be done. Of course we’re sure that our huge, dedicated, massive, loyal, incredibly large fanbase can spread the word effectively enough, but we still want our own edition of CityBeat. Maybe we should schedule a cover shoot??

If however this was not merely a typographical error, if The Spurzz (aforementioned best band in the Universe) was NOT nominated for ‘Best Country Band of All Time,’ we’re afraid we must rally our troops around your communist ‘newspaper’s’ office and stage a musical protest. We only tell you this so you can arrange to have enough mounted police and barricades to withstand the blind rage of our loyal fan brethren.

Sincerely,

Soft-J
Dusty Knees
Panhandle Slim
*The Spurzz*”

Bring. It. On. Tune in tomorrow for a full report from the frontlines. Unless they chicken out. Or it rains. Or network TV starts airing Hee Haw reruns in the afternoon. — Mike Breen

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17 Comments on “Spurzz Spurned”

  1. SOFT J Says:

    First of all, we are the best country band, not in the world, but the UNIVERSE. Second, we are amazing. Third, we are freedom, you are for demons.

    WE WILL BE THERE. WE WILL BE PROTESTING. WE WILL BRING THE TRUTH.

    Mike Breen is, and has always been, involved with the communist party. We are AMERICAN, and stand for AMERICAN VALUES. Like, (and not always in this order) PEACE, LOVE, TRUTH, FIREARMS, MUSCLES, MUSCLE TRUCKS, THE AMERICAN FLAG, AND COUNTRY-EFFING-MUSIC.

    PRAISE JESUS. PRAISE THE SPURZZ.
    YOU ARE EITHER WITH US, OR AGAINST US.

    myspace.com/spurzzareawesome

  2. Brandon Pajamas Says:

    Those liberal Citybeatrs just ain’t knowin good Cuntry music when dey hear it.
    I is gonna be there with all my friends. I am a proud supporter of the Surzz and American Music.
    And Eagles. And stuff.

  3. FOXYROXY Says:

    Breen, your blog suckzz, your nominating committee suckzz, the CEAzz suck. Oh, and your band suckzz too.

    THE SPURZZ ARE AWESOME!

    LONG LIVE THE SPURZZ!

    –foxy

    (p.s.–hope this doesn’t mean I won’t get free tickets to the ceremony this year? cos it’s always such a good time…)

  4. Toby Ashcroft Says:

    Figures.
    If there was a write-in option for awesomeness, they would have definitely won, but of course CommieBeat knew that and omitted that category on the ballot.

    The eagle soars at noon…

  5. Cletus Says:

    Wake up white people!

  6. SOFT J Says:

    See You Commies cannot stop the American People…We’re Strong, We have American Flags, and We will never stop the country from being heard…Listen to the Spurzz, and feel our needs to be PRO-AMERICAN.

    THESE COLORS DON’T RUN – GO BACK TO FRANCE HIPPIES!

  7. Breen Says:

    Oh no, three people! And one of them is Soft J’s sister/wife. We’re shakin’ in our boots (which cost more than all three Spurzz’s outfits combined). I didn’t think Spurzz fans could afford the internets.

    Foxy, your photo will be at the Taft Theatre box office with a “do not admit” Post-It attached.

    If the Spurzz are nominated for a CEA, the terrorists win. And us liberal media types will never let that happen.

  8. FOXYROXY Says:

    He ain’t my brother, he’s my 3rd cuzzin, and Breen you know dang right & well in these Great United Statezz that’s perfectly legal, PRAISE GOD!

    And we gotta have the Internet, cos of NASCAR.COM.

    If you don’t let me in that’s a violation of my freedom! And we will protest again, Commie!

    –foxy

    (no seriously, i already bought a dress & everything…)

  9. SOFT J Says:

    THE TERRIOST IS THE COMMIEBEAT…
    THE SHOULD JUST STOP THE CRIMINAL ACTS OF PRINTING POSER COUNTRY BANDS AND GIVE THE SPURZZ WHAT THEY DESERVZZ – “BEST COUNTRY BAND OF THE UNIVERSE,” I’M NOT TALKING “BEST COUNTRY ACT OF 2006,” I’M SAYING “…OF THE UNIVERSE.”

    THIS IS YOU, “MR. TURD.”
    THIS IS THE SPURZZ, “THE GREATEST COUNTRY BAND IN THE UNIVERSE.”

    IS THERE REALLY ANY COMPARISON?

    SOFT J FOR REAR ADMIRAL, 2008

  10. Duke of Merle Says:

    I heard Cheney and Rummy are gonna lead the line dancing in American Flag Speedo’s! Talk about your eyeballs bein’ full….

  11. Ezra Says:

    If’n you Spurzz had any brainzz, you’d start a ‘zzine called COUNTRYBeat and nominate yourselfzz.

  12. FOXYROXY Says:

    !!!GIVE THE SPURZZ WHAT THEY DESERVZZ!!!

    40 minutes till the CommieBeat gets the ol’ what-for!

    GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SPURZZ!!!

  13. Poolio Says:

    If they were really the best darn country band in the whole wide world, they’d be in Nashville or Austin. Seriously.

  14. Toby Ashcroft Says:

    Only thing good that ever came out of Nashville was my Charlie Daniels Band mudflaps. I picked them up at his little museum there. I also got a nice collector’s bottle of Jack Daniels BBQ sauce. I don’t think they’re related. Austin is a great city…if your a communist.

  15. The King Says:

    CityBeat losers would fit in well in Austin. Everybody here is soooo guerilla chic. Osborne yearns to be slacker/poser Richard Linklater.

  16. The King Says:

    P.S. while we are talking Texas I just wanted to say I’m elated Ann Richards bought the farm. It is more gratifying than when she went down in flames to our great President. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.

  17. The King Says:

    And the University of Texas: $50 bucks to the first person that smacks Mathew Mccconaughey in the face.


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